If I Disappear
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- Create Date：2021-01-27 04:18:18
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Eliza Jane Brazier
- ISBN：9780593198223
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Summary
If I Disappear is the perfect cross section of fiction and nonfiction as Eliza Jane Brazier takes us deep， very deep into the world of true crime podcasts。 Imagine falling down the social media rabbit hole and， instead of merely scrolling from link to link， you put on your detective hat and turn your hobby into a full-blown missing person's case。 You'll need to pinch yourself as a reminder。 （It's only a story。 It's only a story。） Which is to say， sometimes a novel is a little too close to the truth。 Note: The setting is in the woods of Northern California。 Start leaving the breadcrumbs as you venture in。
—Publishers Weekly
“This twisted and riveting thriller is one that will keep you up late at night with suspense。”
—CNN
A Most Anticipated Book of 2021 by CNN • E！ Online • Buzzfeed • New York Post • Popsugar • Crime Reads•Hello Giggles
When her favorite true crime podcast host goes missing， an adrift young woman sets out to investigate and plunges headfirst into the wild backcountry of Northern California and her own dangerous obsession。
Sera loves true crime podcasts。 They give her a sense of control in a world where women just like her disappear daily。 She's sure they are preparing her for something。 So when Rachel， her favorite podcast host， goes missing， Sera knows it's time to act。 Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts。
Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel's small hometown to begin her search。 She's convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud。 But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world， the more off things start to feel。 Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch， and she won't be the last。。。
Rachel did try to warn her。
Editor Reviews
10/26/2020
YA author Brazier （The Life and Death Parade as Eliza Wass） makes her adult debut with a gripping psychological thriller。 As Sera Fleece’s life disintegrates post-divorce， she becomes increasingly obsessed with a true crime podcast hosted by Rachel Bard， who focuses on the disappearances of young women。 Then Rachel vanishes， a turn of events that shakes Sera out of her lassitude and sends her to Rachel’s hometown in Northern California， where she is determined to use the podcasts’ lessons to find the missing podcast host。 From Sera’s first glimpse of the remote guest ranch Rachel’s parents run， there’s a palpable sense of menace。 Strangely， neither the senior Bards nor their ruggedly handsome ranch hand appear overly worried about Rachel， and tight-lipped townsfolk warn Sera to get out—fast。 Despite a hairpin final turn that’s far more startling than satisfying， this novel poses some provocative questions concerning women’s roles and the risk of “disappearing” if those roles are defied。 Blending the true crime compulsion of Michelle McNamara’s I’ll Be Gone in the Dark with the immersive creepy-craziness of Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects， Brazier creates a heady， pitch-dark cocktail all her own。 Agent: Sarah Bedingfield， Levine Greenberg Rostan Literary。 （Jan。）
Excerpt
Read an Excerpt
Episode 1:
On the Murder Line
San Quentin Prison is located eight hours south of the Siskiyou Forest。 There is one bus route that travels through this wilderness， into the dead space between Eureka and Yreka。 The locals call it the Murder Line。 Recently released convicts， prison escapees and drifters hop on this line and vanish into the forest。
One blue-skied summer day， four teenage girls in tank tops and cutoff jeans hopped on the eleven thirty bus from Happy Camp， headed north。 One was never seen again。
The road to your parents' ranch coils up from Eureka， a port city in Northern California。 You warned me that the road was winding， but I didn't expect the way it bends and twists， collapsing in and out like an accordion， offering one lonely vista。 Spin。 Offering another。 The mountains above， crowded with trees。 The snaking river。 The falling rocks on the flexing road。 My mind flexes with it， in and out， in and out。 And then another bend in the road。
Trucks start to stack up behind me， and I search frantically for a place to pull over。 A pale sliver of a turnout appears， on the edge of the cliff above the river。 I glance at the line of cars behind me。 I jerk the wheel， and my car drops off the road， juddering on the dirt。 My hands are sticky with sweat。 My heart pulses。
I stop the car， yank up the parking brake。 I flinch as I envision the brake snapping， the inevitable slide to the river below。 Even on flat ground， I picture the land giving way。 And I race headlong into the river。 I know about the Klamath River from Episode 15: a muddy brown color; Episode 43: so strong that when people drown， their bodies are swept all the way to the ocean。 My body will wash up along the shore， hundreds of miles away from here。
I wait for my heart to stop racing， give up and check the parking brake again。
I stick one white， chalky， Dramamine between my teeth。 In Episode 13， you said you took two Dramamine a day just to get to and from high school。 But still you got dizzy; you still felt sick。 Eventually， you said， I realized it wasn't worth leaving the ranch。
Fountain Creek Guest Ranch， the place you grew up。 They offer fishing， horseback riding， breathtaking vistas， but most of all， they offer isolation。 You grew up in a place where no one else lived。
Episode 18: I could hear myself think， which wasn't always a good thing。
Episode 34: I will never not know what it's like to enjoy my own company。
Your life was idyllic， until a local girl-a girl just like you-disappeared。
Episode 1: When bad things happen in a small town-I don't mean to say it's worse。 I don't mean to diminish anyone's experience。 But there were twenty-three kids in my entire school。 And then there were twenty-two。
Nothing truly bad has ever happened to me， and I envy you this， a clear reason: my life changed when， things fell apart when。 I break a sweat and think it must be my fault。
You became fascinated， first by her disappearance， and then by the disappearances of others: local， national， global。 You researched， you became a part of the true-crime community and then you started your own podcast。 You wanted to make a difference。 You wanted to save someone。 You wanted to save everyone。
Episode 14: When I think someone somewhere might hear this 。 。 。 when I think anyone anywhere can access it 。 。 。 Yes， I don't have the audience of Dateline or even My Favorite Murder， but the thing about a podcast is， anyone anywhere can listen。 And maybe you will be the one to find someone who is missing。 Maybe you hold the key to the evidence that will solve a murder。 Maybe I can be the reason someone is saved。
You broadcast from your house on your parents' land: a yellow house with a red roof drawn in lines so idealized， it could be a Disneyland attraction。
I found the ranch website online。 It bragged that it was a "family-run business。" I saw your picture， you for the first time， and you looked exactly like I thought you would。 You looked like me。
Below me the Klamath River is fast and brown。 Above me the mountains are piled with trees。 From Episode 1， I know that they are firs， pines， oaks， maples， madrones， spruce and manzanitas。 I recognize this world from your pictures， but I am not prepared for the sheer majesty of it， the car-commercial， Reese Witherspoon-in-Wild， Instagram-is-not-enough expanse。 I've never been anywhere like this。 If it weren't for you， I wouldn't even know it existed。
I think， oddly， how excited you would be， if you were here with me， diving into your own disappearance， solving your own mystery。 I take a deep breath， and I plug in my phone and press play。 Your voice fills my car， gravelly but discreet， breathing mystery。
I release the parking brake， start the engine and pull back onto the road。 I pass a strip of highway dedicated to Dear Mad'm， and I remember you told me her story （Episode 19）。 Dear Mad'm was an eighty-year-old woman who moved to a primitive cabin on the Klamath in the nineteen fifties to garden， hide from cougars and write a book。 She decided her life wasn't over， but to do that， she had to leave behind the world that told her it was。 She had to come here。
I am sailing， inspired， when the road curves and I don't slow fast enough and the car slides and my stomach lurches。 And suddenly I'm absolutely sure I am wrong about everything。
You're not missing; you just logged off。 I will arrive at your yellow house and find you there， and I will say， Hey， I was just in the area， longtime listener。 And you will stumble backward， afraid。 And when your next episode goes out you will say:
Episode 85:
This morning my psycho stalker showed up at my house， as if she was in the neighborhood。 I think she wants to kill me。 If something happens to me， her name is Sera Fleece （pronounced "Fleas"）。
She is your typical loser/burnout。 You know the type。 She thought that in life， if she hit certain markers， made the right achievements， her life would pedal itself， would speed off so she could just relax， satisfied， achieved。 But instead it kept asking her to drive it; it kept sputtering， breaking down， falling apart。 She dropped out of college when she got married。 Then she was pregnant; then she wasn't。 Her husband left。 And she had to start over again。 So she got a job but it didn't pay enough。 She found another guy but he didn't love her enough。 So she got another job that paid less， an apartment that charged more。 She found a guy who loved her less， and another one who loved her even less after that。 Every year was less， so she cared less and less。
And then she stopped caring completely。 And then she came looking for me。
My hands are shaking as I pull into another turnout。 It's like you can hear my thoughts， wherever you are。 It's like you are watching me。 I see vultures circling up ahead， in the space between two mountains。 And I wonder if they are here for you or me。 I wonder how you would tell my story， if I disappeared。
I have gone too far。 I missed the turnoff for the ranch， somewhere between the spins and the trees。 I have the mile marker （63）， but the numbers don't match， and now my phone screen is a wheel， circling around a lost signal。
You warned me about the phone service。 Per Episode 7: There is no cell phone service， none， from Yreka （2。5 hours north） to Redding （2。5 hours south）， except for one huge turnout above the Klamath， just south of Happy Camp， where one network （Verizon） gets service some of the time。 On any given day， there is at least one car parked out there， on the edge of the cliff， with the sky overhead and the signal， invisible， somewhere above， so the seeker holds their phone up to the sky。
I was prepared。 I took screenshots of the directions on Google Maps。 I wrote down the mile marker number， but I still missed your parents' ranch。 I know this when I reach Happy Camp。 There are low buildings scattered inside a wide river basin， a self-pump gas station， a bear with a dial that tells me there's always a chance of a fire。 A sign reads Welcome to Happy Camp: Home of Outdoor Family Recreation above a picture of a silver steelhead the size of a shark。
I pull into a deserted parking lot and debate where I should go from here。 I could turn around， focus harder， seek out the mile markers as the road twirls， or I could ask for directions。
I have to pee， so I get out of the car。
My head is still spinning。 My legs are stiff and my knees wobble as I make my way to the center of town， one block away。 I walk up Main Street （you used to call it "the rabbit hutch" because all the meth heads in their trailers stayed up all night， scurrying， scratching like animals in cages）。 I walk past the police station-per Episode 7， open only four hours a day-past the Happy Camp Arts Center， confusing signage on the door: Don't come in-this is a house！！！
The mill and the silver mine closed in the eighties; that's also when Happy Camp lost the second grocery store and the Evans Mercantile and the video store and the restaurant with the twenty-page menu。
I find the only coffee shop and head inside。 It's narrow， with a kindergarten-classroom quality-clean but with too many amateur works of art。 There are bookshelves along the wall， a rack of T-shirts in the corner。 Six men in various stages of Hank Williams gather in one corner on foldout chairs， talking about lumber。 I walk to the back and use the bathroom。
I wash my hands at the sink and ignore my face in the mirror。 When I'm not wearing makeup， I generally feel that I don't deserve to exist。 I decide that I don't need to ask for directions。 What answer could anyone possibly give me？ Twelfth tree on the fifth bend？
I duck out of the bathroom and rush across the floor as the men discuss wood infestations。 A woman steps in front of me， an empty teacup in each hand。 Long， thin dreads wrestle all the way down past her waist。
"All good，" she says， no inflection。 I duck toward the bookshelves。
"I just wanted to see your books。" I lie， because I feel guilty for using the bathroom without asking。 I want her to believe that I am a customer and my bathroom use was just incidental。 I want her to think that I am a serious buyer in the market for a good book。
"We do exchanges， or the price is on the cover。"
I look at the books on the shel。 I am surprised by the selection， by the lack of religious books such shelves tend to collect。 Instead they have Stephen King's It， well-worn but priced by size at three dollars， A Room with a View and The Handmaid's Tale for a buck fifty。 I almost buy it just because I can't believe it's here。
The woman stands over me， watching， not saying anything。
I should ask her for directions; I know this， but it pings that I need to be careful。 Anyone could be a suspect。 Anyone could hold a clue。 And I need to keep myself open。 I need to hide my intentions until I define whether you really have gone missing or you are actually here。 I think of you， what you would do。 How you would keep yourself aloof but innocuous， powered by righteousness。
"Do you know this area well？"
"I grew up here。" She steadies her clattering teacup。 "What brings you to Happy Camp？" I am sure she knows that I am here alone and that she is judging me for it。 In my mind， in that moment， she knows everything about me， and she is smug and superior about it。
"A friend，" I answer defensively， and immediately regret it。
"Who？"
"You probably don't know her。" I cast my eyes around the store。
"I probably do。"
The six in the circle quiet and tilt their heads in our direction。 It's everybody's business。 The population shrank， and I crossed the line into everybody's business。
"Dear Mad'm，" I say like a crazy person。 I see three copies of a slim yellow book on a bookshelf， a poster on the wall。
The woman steps back， satisfied that I am a psychopath。 "No offense， but I'm pretty sure she's dead。"
"I'm a writer。" I straighten up。 This is my official lie。 I do write sometimes， journal entries about how I'm too depressed to write， mostly， but I like the idea of it。 A traveling writer， always hunting for a story。 "Like she was。"
"What do you write？"
"Mystery。" It is a mystery what I write。
"Oh yeah？ You gonna write about this place？" Whenever you tell people you're a writer， they always assume you are going to write about them。 Whatever your plans were before， whatever genre or category， you will find them so sublimely interesting that you won't have a choice but to alter your angle。
"If I find a good story，" I say。 She nods once， efficiently， picks up her cups， starts to move away。 "I'm actually looking for a place to stay。" She stops。 "Are there any guest ranches around here？"
She names a hotel and a ranch I read about online。 She doesn't mention your parents' place， even though I know it's within ten miles of here。
"Anywhere else？" Fountain Creek-the name is on my tongue。 Just say it， I wish。 Say it。
"Nope。 That's it。 Small town。 You're better off going to Eureka。" I came from Eureka。 Eureka is three hours and a few dozen hotels from here。 It's like she doesn't want me anywhere near。
"I was hoping to find a place with horses。" I know your parents' ranch is the only place with horses。
"No， there's not any horse riding around here。 You could go out to Yreka， probably。"
"I thought I heard about a guest ranch that had horses and fishing or something。"
Her eyes stiffen， drop darker。 The group in the corner goes quiet again。 They are mulling over their cold coffee cups。 It's noon at the OK Corral， and I expect a cowboy to stride through the front door at any second and shoot me dead。
Reviews
My Review:⭐️⭐⭐。5/ 5 stars This cover is so captivating and attractive - I wanted to read this brand new thriller by Eliza Brazier just by looking at it。 It follows the story of Sera Fleece who is obsessed with Rachel’s true crime podcast and listens to it religiously until one day when Rachel herself disappears。 Believing that Rachel herself is a victim this time， Sera flees to the rural， desolate backwoods of Northern California to infiltrate， investigate， and find Rachel by pretending to work for Rachel’s family farm。 The entire story， Sera， seems to be talking to Rachel herself in her mind - and there are clues from the podcast excerpts to lead to the serial killer on the loose and what secrets the family and people in town are hiding。 I was thrilled to the end， almost believing I figured it half way through and was completely wrong。 I was constantly trying to figure out the next step， but found the narrator Sera to be annoying。 Don’t get me wrong， she’s supposed to be unhinged and obsessive - but I almost found it hard to read her cult-like behavior risking her life for someone she’s never met。 That all contributed to the insanity of the entire town and family - you just never knew who you could trust。 If you were anything like me reading this， you’d be screaming inside for Sera to just leave， abandon the case， and go home。 You are guessing the whole way through right up to the end - and even now I don’t really know who to believe in this story。 I liked it and highly suggest it to anyone who is a true crime junkie。 Thank you to Berkeley Publications and Netgalley for my advanced copy in exchange for my honest review！ US Pub date: January 26，2021
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️This story felt like a mixture of Quentin Tarantino and Stephen King， with a little podcast thrown in。 The town and the people are bizarre， creepy， disconcerting and surreal。It’s getting mixed reviews but I enjoyed it。 I buddy read it with my book bestie @books。cats。travel。food which makes any book better。 Both of us are pretty good at formulating theories and we were both stumped with this one。 And wrong about the ending。 You have to give it points for being unique。 The end of the book ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️This story felt like a mixture of Quentin Tarantino and Stephen King， with a little podcast thrown in。 The town and the people are bizarre， creepy， disconcerting and surreal。It’s getting mixed reviews but I enjoyed it。 I buddy read it with my book bestie @books。cats。travel。food which makes any book better。 Both of us are pretty good at formulating theories and we were both stumped with this one。 And wrong about the ending。 You have to give it points for being unique。 The end of the book did seem a bit disjointed， but overall， it’s entertaining ✨_______________________________Sera obsessively listens to a crime podcast chronicling stories of women that have disappeared。 Suddenly Rachel， the host of the podcast， goes silent。 No new podcasts， no social media posts。 Sera is certain that something bad has happened to Rachel。Using the details that she has gleaned from all of the podcast episodes， Sera goes to Rachel’s small， isolated town- determined to find her。。。。。。。 。。。more
“A propulsive thrill ride full of surprises right through the firecracker ending。”
3。5 stars
A True Crime Podcaster goes missingA fan goes out to searchWhat do you get。。。 a witty and twisty thrillerIf I Disappeared is a unique read - a debut author with an amazing voice that makes this book bingeable， addictive and unputdownable。 I found it entertaining and to hear that this may be developed for television sounds fascinating。Rachel is the host of a true crime pod cast called Murder She Spoke when she suddenly stops posting and goes missing。 One of her fans， Sera whose life is adrift， ta A True Crime Podcaster goes missingA fan goes out to searchWhat do you get。。。 a witty and twisty thrillerIf I Disappeared is a unique read - a debut author with an amazing voice that makes this book bingeable， addictive and unputdownable。 I found it entertaining and to hear that this may be developed for television sounds fascinating。Rachel is the host of a true crime pod cast called Murder She Spoke when she suddenly stops posting and goes missing。 One of her fans， Sera whose life is adrift， takes it upon herself to get in the middle of this story by going up to Rachel's ranch in Northern California and start an investigation on her own。 Armed with the tools from listening to Rachel's true crime podcast， Sera embarks on a mystery meeting some shady characters along the way。What a fantastic read I enjoyed！！Thank you Berkley Pub for the ARC and all opinions are my own 。。。more
Well what a ride this one was！ If I Disappear by Eliza Jane Brazier is a debut but you could have fooled me。 I loved the tenseness in this book， and I thought it was both perfectly suspenseful while also giving the reader a very claustrophobic feel。 It is definitely a slow burn， but I could not put it down and there is enough going on that you just want to keep reading until the very end。 I love that every chapter starts with an excerpt from Rachel's true crime podcast， and that plus the short c Well what a ride this one was！ If I Disappear by Eliza Jane Brazier is a debut but you could have fooled me。 I loved the tenseness in this book， and I thought it was both perfectly suspenseful while also giving the reader a very claustrophobic feel。 It is definitely a slow burn， but I could not put it down and there is enough going on that you just want to keep reading until the very end。 I love that every chapter starts with an excerpt from Rachel's true crime podcast， and that plus the short chapters made the book fly by。 You can never be sure of Sera as a narrator， and she was a bit unreliable overall which I think brought something extra to the story。 The isolated ranch couldn't have been a better setting， and there are so many things that gave me the heebie-jeebies。 If I Disappear is a very unsettling read， and while nothing is overly descriptive， there are still plenty of disturbing and chilling things about it。 I thought the writing was fantastic and it was a very unique and smart debut。 I definitely had no idea where it was headed， and the end left me with my mouth hanging open and chills。 I don't normally love the kind of end this one has， but it really worked here， and I was satisfied with it。 Maybe there will be a follow-up in the future？？ I can only hope， and no matter what Brazier's next book is I will definitely be reading it！ Thank you to the publisher for my advance review copy via NetGalley。 All opinions and thoughts are my own。 。。。more
Sera is a superfan of the podcast， Murder She Spoke。 When the host of the podcast， Rachel， stops recording and updating her social media， Sera is determined to make sure that Rachel does not become one of the missing women she has devoted so much of her podcast work to。 Sera goes to Rachel’s childhood home in Happy Camp， California， and begins to investigate everyone in Rachel’s life。 For Sera， the mystery only grows even more complicated， as she must determine if Rachel is in danger and by exte Sera is a superfan of the podcast， Murder She Spoke。 When the host of the podcast， Rachel， stops recording and updating her social media， Sera is determined to make sure that Rachel does not become one of the missing women she has devoted so much of her podcast work to。 Sera goes to Rachel’s childhood home in Happy Camp， California， and begins to investigate everyone in Rachel’s life。 For Sera， the mystery only grows even more complicated， as she must determine if Rachel is in danger and by extension， she is。 It took two tries to read this， as I started this book earlier in the pandemic and I think the story of a woman isolated in one place was not a book I wanted to read。 I think the key to my embracing and finishing this book was that I had to stop thinking of it like a murder podcast hybrid thriller， like Sera was just going to run into a place of gasps and dark corners。 It is a much more measured pace then that。 The characters and the place are so well-described that you are continuously confronted with discomfort for the situation just as you are reminded of the natural beauty of the place。If I Disappear is also about obsession/devotion， and how spending an hour a week listening to someone， it is easy for the line between listener and friend in your head to get blurred。 In recent years， a lot of true crime podcasts with female hosts have sprung up， and as a listener it can feel conversational but unlike Sera， listeners remember that it is only a segment of that hosts’ life。 They are still strangers， and Sera is continuously reminded of this as she gets deeper into Rachel’s life。Naturally， there is a twisty dark ending， but I think I respect the book more for giving me the ending I did not expect， even if I was not happy with it。 Overall， I really enjoyed this book！Thanks to Berkley and NetGalley for the ARC！ 。。。more
Book 10 of 2021: 2 out of 5 Stars"𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝， 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭。。。𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞， 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬，。。。𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞。 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞。"𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤 𝘷𝘪𝘢 𝘌𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸。Sera Fleece has disappeared。 Not literally， but metaphorically。 After her life has veered drastically from the one she thought she'd live， she shuts herself down and away from the world。 Spending the past year in isolation her only comfort came from her favorite podcast: 𝘔𝘶 Book 10 of 2021: 2 out of 5 Stars"𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝， 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭。。。𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞， 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬，。。。𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞。 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞。"𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤 𝘷𝘪𝘢 𝘌𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸。Sera Fleece has disappeared。 Not literally， but metaphorically。 After her life has veered drastically from the one she thought she'd live， she shuts herself down and away from the world。 Spending the past year in isolation her only comfort came from her favorite podcast: 𝘔𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳， 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘱𝘰𝘬𝘦。And when the podcaster， Rachel， suddenly goes silent， Sera knows something is wrong。 Determined to find out what happened to Rachel， Sera heads to Rachel's childhood ranch （details she's learned from obsessively listening to the podcast） to solve the mystery。 But when she arrives （with a new job in hand）she's shocked to discover that no one seems to care that Rachel is missing。But despite the apathy of Rachel's loved ones， Sera charges ahead in her investigation following twisted trails that will leave her questioning everything -- and everyone。From the cover art & synopsis （see comments below）， this thriller should have been my everything。 Unfortunately between repetitive passages， a lackluster ending， and an almost aggressive stance against women who choose to follow traditional familial roles， this one just didn't work for me。 I kept reading through chapter after chapter of grisly depictions of decay， death， and dysfunction hoping the ending would be worth the effort， but I think this just wasn't 𝘮𝘺 kind of thriller。 Because despite my issues with the overall story， the book is clearly well written。 There are several reveals along the way that get you pumped & excited to continue turning pages， and the podcast inserts at the beginning of every chapter were some of the best setups I've read in months。 In fact， if this book was nothing but the podcast episodes （in length）， I'd be buying you all a copy。So while this wasn't love for me， it will absolutely thrill a reader with a stronger stomach than mine。*Also， I've heard this is in the works for a film/television adaptation， and I actually believe that would be a wonderful medium for this story。*TW: violence/gore， animal cruelty/neglect， animal death， death， miscarriage， depictions of blood， murder， kidnapping。 。。。more
Depressed and lonely， recently divorced Sera relies on Rachel Bard’s true crime podcast， Murder， She Spoke， for comfort and company。 Listening and relistening to each episode， Sera has them near memorized。 When Rachel stops dropping new episodes， Sera assumes the worst—that Rachel has become one of the women she’s featured on her show， a disappeared woman， maybe dead。Alarmed， Sera uses the personal details Rachel mentioned and heads to her home town， a remote area in Northern California。 Residen Depressed and lonely， recently divorced Sera relies on Rachel Bard’s true crime podcast， Murder， She Spoke， for comfort and company。 Listening and relistening to each episode， Sera has them near memorized。 When Rachel stops dropping new episodes， Sera assumes the worst—that Rachel has become one of the women she’s featured on her show， a disappeared woman， maybe dead。Alarmed， Sera uses the personal details Rachel mentioned and heads to her home town， a remote area in Northern California。 Residents and police dismiss Sera’s concerns and warm her to stay away from the Bards。 Unsatisfied， she decides to use the skills Rachel taught her to unravel the mystery。 She bluffs her way into a job at Fountain Creek， the Bards’ guest ranch， where Addy， Rachel’s controlling mother rules with exacting demands and a near omnipotent knowledge of events。 Jed， a troubled ranch hand from Texas， seems Sera’s only possible ally， but his many secrets make him Sera doubt him。 Rachel’s father， a strange man， seems oblivious to his surroundings。As Sera presses forward， she finds even more sources of danger， and no one appears beyond suspicion。 Brazier expertly develops an oppressive， isolated setting where no one is beyond guilt—yet the danger may simply be a product of Sera’s imagination。It took me a bit to find the beat of this book， and I was disturbed by the treatment of the animals at Fountain Creek although consistent with the Bards’ management of the ranch in general。 But there were so many great details， too， such as wild blueberries run amok， and thick dust in neglected cabins; they all conveyed a verisimilitude that made the unnatural activities even more disturbing。 Once I found my rhythm， I couldn’t put the book down and stayed up very， very late to finish it。 I was gobsmacked by the ending and the epilogue… Creepy in the best possible way， 𝘐𝘧 𝘐 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳 flouts traditional thriller formulas while providing thematic questions about society’s obsession with true crime。 I recommend for thriller lovers， especially if you’re tired of the same storylines and stereotypical characters。Thanks to @netgalley and @berkley for providing an advanced reading copy in exchange for an honest review。 。。。more
Sera is convinced she’s the only person that really “knows” Rachel。 No one is a bigger fan of Rachels true crime podcast。 So naturally - when Rachel goes missing - Sera's the only person who can find her。 I mean， duh。She finds herself on the decrepit， creepy family ranch where Rachel lived and starts collecting clues and is almost giddy knowing that Rachel would be so pleased with her。 Until she begins to realize that Rachel’s not the only woman who has gone missing from this ranch。oh， an Sera is convinced she’s the only person that really “knows” Rachel。 No one is a bigger fan of Rachels true crime podcast。 So naturally - when Rachel goes missing - Sera's the only person who can find her。 I mean， duh。She finds herself on the decrepit， creepy family ranch where Rachel lived and starts collecting clues and is almost giddy knowing that Rachel would be so pleased with her。 Until she begins to realize that Rachel’s not the only woman who has gone missing from this ranch。oh， and THIS ENTIRE TOWN IS INSANE。Not even kidding。 These people all seemed cuckoo to the nth degree， with a heavy dose of just plain creepy。 I felt like every page gave me chills and I was literally screaming “RUN！” every time Sera met someone new。But is Sera the most disturbing and obsessive of them all？ QUITE POSSIBLY。This one is so fun and strange and twisty and I felt so deliciously unsettled when it was over… in the best way。 。。。more
If the gorgeous cover doesn’t get your attention， the intrigue of a crime behind a true-crime podcast will！ I have several acquaintances who are absolutely hooked on true crime podcasts， so I felt compelled to give If I Disappear a try。 Sera Fleece is a bit lost after her divorce。 She spends her days obsessing over a true-crime podcast， Murder， She Spoke。 When the podcast's host， Rachel Bard， suddenly stops posting， Sera feels something is amiss， and she won’t stop searching for Rachel until she If the gorgeous cover doesn’t get your attention， the intrigue of a crime behind a true-crime podcast will！ I have several acquaintances who are absolutely hooked on true crime podcasts， so I felt compelled to give If I Disappear a try。 Sera Fleece is a bit lost after her divorce。 She spends her days obsessing over a true-crime podcast， Murder， She Spoke。 When the podcast's host， Rachel Bard， suddenly stops posting， Sera feels something is amiss， and she won’t stop searching for Rachel until she has answers。 Oddly， Sera seems to be the only person who is disturbed by Rachel’s disappearance。 The writing is gorgeously evocative。 I wasn't in love with the second-person narrative， and I found the start of the story somewhat confusing because of the mixed format。 However， the premise and the eventual story content are intriguing （especially the snippets of Rachel’s podcast）。 Author Eliza Jane Brazier’s debut novel is dramatic and tension-filled。 The dialogue is cracking， and the characters are unique and memorable。 Ms。 Brazier gives readers a reason to question many of the characters， even Sera。 You don’t have to be a true-crime podcast fan to enjoy the shady characters and remote location of this creepy mystery。I received an advance copy of this book from Berkley Publishing in exchange for my honest review。 For more reading recommendations， visit Book Junkie Reviews at www。abookjunkiereviews。wordpress。com 。。。more
Sera Fleece， divorced， unemployed， friendless， feels lost。 All she has in her life is her favorite true crime podcast， Murder She Spoke。 So when the podcast's host Rachel vanishes， Sera knows she has no choice but to follow the clues - the clues she's certain Rachel has left for her in every episode - to Rachel's family ranch in Northern California and to a mystery darker than she expected。。。This is a story to be gulped， not sipped， letting yourself get lost in Sera's increasingly unstable narra Sera Fleece， divorced， unemployed， friendless， feels lost。 All she has in her life is her favorite true crime podcast， Murder She Spoke。 So when the podcast's host Rachel vanishes， Sera knows she has no choice but to follow the clues - the clues she's certain Rachel has left for her in every episode - to Rachel's family ranch in Northern California and to a mystery darker than she expected。。。This is a story to be gulped， not sipped， letting yourself get lost in Sera's increasingly unstable narrative。 The stylistic choices - Sera's first person voice addressing Rachel directly throughout， with clips and quotes of the true crime podcast sprinkled in and beginning each chapter - are particularly successful at building an unnerving and uneasy mood。 （You gotta love an unreliable narrator。） Though I'd like to be smug about my predictions being eventually validated， there were enough twists and turns throughout the book to keep me guessing for quite a while， and enough genuinely creepy characters and situations to keep your suspicions pointed in every direction at once。 Content warnings: Animal death and injury， murder， assault， alcohol abuse， vomit， gaslighting/manipulation。Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley Publishing Group for the advance review copy！ 。。。more
2。5 starsThis sounded like everything I could have wanted and I’m in love with that cover。 I wanted to like Sera。 She feels like she’s invisible and it was easy to relate to some of her thoughts and feelings。 There are a good amount of characters here， but it’s firmly about Sera’s obsession with finding Rachel （which didn’t feel like it was explained）。 Plot wise， it was a bit boring。 There’s no tension and while I spent a good portion of the book wondering what the twist was going to be （I assum 2。5 starsThis sounded like everything I could have wanted and I’m in love with that cover。 I wanted to like Sera。 She feels like she’s invisible and it was easy to relate to some of her thoughts and feelings。 There are a good amount of characters here， but it’s firmly about Sera’s obsession with finding Rachel （which didn’t feel like it was explained）。 Plot wise， it was a bit boring。 There’s no tension and while I spent a good portion of the book wondering what the twist was going to be （I assumed dissociative identity disorder）， it wasn’t layered enough to create suspense。 Couple that with the off putting POV type of storytelling and this was something that I never really settled into。 Overall， I loved the idea， but the execution just didn’t work for me。 **Huge thanks to Berkley for providing the arc free of charge** 。。。more
I love me a good psychological thriller。 The twisty， the better。Right off the bat， this books gave me some dark haunting vibes。 Excellent。 It also felt like I was jumping into a story that had already started。 No matter， on we go。 Sera is on a mission。 Her favorite true crime podcaster Rachel has disappeared。 Sera knows she’s the only one who can find her。 What happened to Rachel？Ah I had such high hopes for this book。 It started out pretty good。 Some questionable characters。 Check。 The haunting I love me a good psychological thriller。 The twisty， the better。Right off the bat， this books gave me some dark haunting vibes。 Excellent。 It also felt like I was jumping into a story that had already started。 No matter， on we go。 Sera is on a mission。 Her favorite true crime podcaster Rachel has disappeared。 Sera knows she’s the only one who can find her。 What happened to Rachel？Ah I had such high hopes for this book。 It started out pretty good。 Some questionable characters。 Check。 The haunting vibe。 Check。 Trust no one vibe。 Check。 The pacing is slow。 I started to feel like the story was going no where。 By the time the ending came， I really didn’t care who did what。 I struggled to connect with Sera。 The twists fell flat as did the ending。 All in all， this was an okay read。 It wasn’t for me but others may enjoy it and I encourage you to read it and make up your own mind。 Despite my issues with the book， I will not let it deter me from checking out the author’s next book。 I give this 2 stars。 。。。more
This is one of the strangest books I have read so far this year。 The story follows Sera， who is an obsessed fan of Rachel's who has a true-crime podcast。 Sera has listened to all of these podcasts so many times she probably has them memorized。 When Rachel goes missing， Sera sets out to find out what happened to her by venturing up to where Rachel lived in the middle of nowhere on the family ranch。The story is told in the second person where Sera talks to Rachel as if she is there with her or whi This is one of the strangest books I have read so far this year。 The story follows Sera， who is an obsessed fan of Rachel's who has a true-crime podcast。 Sera has listened to all of these podcasts so many times she probably has them memorized。 When Rachel goes missing， Sera sets out to find out what happened to her by venturing up to where Rachel lived in the middle of nowhere on the family ranch。The story is told in the second person where Sera talks to Rachel as if she is there with her or while Sera is trying to figure out what happened to Rachel。 I loved the clips of the podcast interspersed throughout the book so we had a better understanding of when certain cases were mentioned。 I am not a true-crime connoisseur but know many that are and they would probably have loved this podcast。 There is mention of how tough the true crime community can be on each other and those that prepare the podcasts。 I can only imagine how rabid some fans might become。I'm not quite sure how I feel about Sera。 It seems like her life is not what she expected with several failed marriages/relationships and dead-end jobs that she can't seem to keep very long。 But at the same time， I felt like Sera was venturing out of her shell and pursuing something that interested her and doing the unexpected。 Now for someone that listened to true crime podcasts， it seems like she put herself in some sticky situations that she should have known better。The story has some twists and turns and the ending was quite a surprise and not one that I was expecting。Overall， we give this book 3 1/2 paws。 。。。more
⭐️⭐️⭐️💫Thank you to Berkley Publishing for my digital copy。Ohhh the true crime podcast trope。 I'm a little tired of it/intrigued by it！This one is a little more behind the scenes。 And the unusual 2nd person narration definitely made it more immersive and creepier （I'm looking at you Caroline Keepnes）。 Rachel's parents were extremely weird characters and ranch hand， Jed-just so weird that it's kinda off putting？Everyone kept saying that the ending was just WOAH。 I have to agree on that point。。。 i ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫Thank you to Berkley Publishing for my digital copy。Ohhh the true crime podcast trope。 I'm a little tired of it/intrigued by it！This one is a little more behind the scenes。 And the unusual 2nd person narration definitely made it more immersive and creepier （I'm looking at you Caroline Keepnes）。 Rachel's parents were extremely weird characters and ranch hand， Jed-just so weird that it's kinda off putting？Everyone kept saying that the ending was just WOAH。 I have to agree on that point。。。 it worked and at the same time it really didn't。For those epilogue lovers- this one throws everything you just read out the window。 Mashups: every true crime podcast out there and YOU。P。S。 JUST LOOK AT THAT COVER THOUGH！ 。。。more
I received an ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review。 This did not affect my opinion of the book or my review itself。Sera feels lost in the world， and true crime podcasts are what make her feel safe， giving her a sense of control and power she feels nowhere else in her life。 So when Rachel， the host of her favorite podcast， seems to vanish completely and without warning， Sera decides this is what she has been training for， and throws herself into the life Rachel lef I received an ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review。 This did not affect my opinion of the book or my review itself。Sera feels lost in the world， and true crime podcasts are what make her feel safe， giving her a sense of control and power she feels nowhere else in her life。 So when Rachel， the host of her favorite podcast， seems to vanish completely and without warning， Sera decides this is what she has been training for， and throws herself into the life Rachel left behind。 But despite all the clues Sera is convinced Rachel left for her within the episodes， there is still so much Sera doesn't know， and what she doesn't know could add her to the list of vanished women。Brazier dives deep into views on what it means to be a woman: no one （including the woman herself） knowing where she fits if she isn't a wife and/or a mother， having to constantly be on guard because a woman never knows when someone might want to hurt her， the story that people decide about a woman if she doesn't fit into a typical mold。 Even just the seemingly simple act of cooking， serving， and eating dinner becomes a highly heightened experience for the female characters in the story。Sera is an unreliable narrator to the extreme。 She has woven Rachel's podcast so tightly under her skin that not only does she have every word memorized， but her narration is directed to Rachel， who she is convinced she must rescue。 Brazier explores the possible role of true crime podcasts to women， as lessons about what to watch out for to keep themselves safe， and what to do if even the most extreme precautions aren't enough。I struggled sometimes to like Sera， but it felt that， at least to me， that was the point。 She is someone completely unmoored， directing her first person narration not at the reader， but at another character。 Sera is a character that forces the reader to think about why they respond to her negatively， and what that might mean in a larger context。As the book continued， I found myself so inside Sera's head that I was on the journey with her， whether or not I trusted her。 This forced me to look at every character in the book in a new light， weighing how much about them I could truly know and believe。The ending gives me chills still just thinking about it。 It hits like a storm in the best possible way。 I was completely shocked even while in the head of the main protagonist。 This book doesn't always sit comfortably， which fits perfectly since the world of the story is not a comfortable one。 Brazier plays so cleverly with this genre， it is definitely worth giving this book a read。 。。。more
Just couldn't get into this one。 Beginning was slow and the main character was creepy and annoying。 Just couldn't get into this one。 Beginning was slow and the main character was creepy and annoying。 。。。more
Overall， the mystery kept me reading and there were a couple twists and unexpected turns to keep me turning the pages。 The ending was not at all what I was expecting。 Read my complete review of this and other books on my blog at www。booklovinalicia。blogspot。comThanks to Netgalley and Berkley Publishing Group for allowing me an advanced e-copy to read and give my honest review！ Overall， the mystery kept me reading and there were a couple twists and unexpected turns to keep me turning the pages。 The ending was not at all what I was expecting。 Read my complete review of this and other books on my blog at www。booklovinalicia。blogspot。comThanks to Netgalley and Berkley Publishing Group for allowing me an advanced e-copy to read and give my honest review！ 。。。more
Review to follow。I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review。 Thank you to the author， Eliza Jane Brazier， and the publisher， Little Brown Book Group， for this opportunity。
I received a complimentary advance copy of this title from the publisher via NetGalley。This book started out very strong。 I was ready for a creepy ride。 Having grown up in the PNW， the discussion around the towns I’ve driven through， the highway that passes San Quentin in the distance （a more disturbing night drive does not exist friends）， I was READY。 And then。。。 it all started to fall apart。 The end quarter lost my interest。 It felt like it was trying too hard to be “twisty” and in the end bec I received a complimentary advance copy of this title from the publisher via NetGalley。This book started out very strong。 I was ready for a creepy ride。 Having grown up in the PNW， the discussion around the towns I’ve driven through， the highway that passes San Quentin in the distance （a more disturbing night drive does not exist friends）， I was READY。 And then。。。 it all started to fall apart。 The end quarter lost my interest。 It felt like it was trying too hard to be “twisty” and in the end became a convoluted mess。 The epilogue， in my opinion， was not a golden moment to end on but was unnecessary。 Unfortunately， this was just an okay read for me。 。。。more
"I will solve your mystery。 I will save you。 It was meant to be me。"I love a good mystery。 I love the suspense that builds as you discover clues， slowly putting all of the pieces together until you've finally cracked the case。 It should come as no surprise then that the majority of my reading tends to fall into the mystery/thriller genre。 I was a bit shocked， then， when I realized that I had yet to read a thriller this year。 The fine folks at Berkley Publishing were kind enough to provide me wit "I will solve your mystery。 I will save you。 It was meant to be me。"I love a good mystery。 I love the suspense that builds as you discover clues， slowly putting all of the pieces together until you've finally cracked the case。 It should come as no surprise then that the majority of my reading tends to fall into the mystery/thriller genre。 I was a bit shocked， then， when I realized that I had yet to read a thriller this year。 The fine folks at Berkley Publishing were kind enough to provide me with a copy of Eliza Jane Brazier's debut novel If I Disappear to read and review。 As I opened to the first pages， I was quickly thrust into a novel filled with suspense， uncertainty， and paranoia。 In short， the perfect kind of thriller to kick off the year。 Sera's life is in shambles。 Her marriage was over before it really even began， she has no job， and she spends her days just aimlessly drifting through life。 Really the only thing keeping her going is her obsession with true-crime podcaster Rachel Bard。 Rachel is everything Sera wishes she could be。 Rachel is a strong woman， sure of her place in the world。 She's so confident in the way she digs into cold cases and gives a voice to the missing women that fall through the cracks of criminal investigations。 Empowered by this strength， Sera listens to the podcast episodes on repeat。 She knows every detail of the crimes and begins to feel a kinship to Rachel and the women she investigates。One day， the podcast episodes simply stopped。 There was no explanation from Rachel， just radio silence。 Even more alarming to Sera， is the change in tone to Rachel's last episode。 The average listener may not have even taken notice， but Sera is certain of the emotion she detected in Rachel's voice。 Fear。 Driven by the need to keep the one positive in her life going， and perhaps made confident by the example that Rachel has set for her， Sera decides to take investigating Rachel's absence into her own hands。 She drives to the rural town near the ranch where Rachel and her family live and begins to plant herself into Rachel's world。 As she encounters Rachel's family and even takes on a job at the ranch， she begins to suspect that she is in over her head。 Something foul is afoot， and it will take every fiber of her being to uncover it。 In If I Disappear author Eliza Jane Brazier spins a twisty tale that balances suspense and misdirection with rich character development。 Each page is imbued with an underlying sense of paranoia and dread， the kind of writing that kept me ready for any surprise and eager to keep reading more。 The main character Sera is a classic unreliable narrator。 Her mistrust of the supporting characters is only heightened by her skepticism at her own assertions。 The book is as much about solving a missing person case as it is about finding a purpose for living。 Brazier meticulously weaves these two threads throughout the writing， each quietly echoing the other。 This comes together in a conclusion that adequately solves the mystery and brings a deeper sense of understanding to the main character。 If I Disappear is a confident debut thriller that served as a perfect way to kick off my reading of the genre this year。 。。。more
If I Disappear is Brazier's first foray into the world of adult fiction with this compulsive and atmospheric psychological thriller。 Sera Fleece's life is all but falling apart。 After an emotional divorce and a recent miscarriage she is depressed and feels alone and useless and that if she was so longer here that no one would bat an eyelid。 She's looking for an escape from her problems and so she becomes interested in a true crime podcast hosted by Rachel Bard。 Focusing on the disappearances of If I Disappear is Brazier's first foray into the world of adult fiction with this compulsive and atmospheric psychological thriller。 Sera Fleece's life is all but falling apart。 After an emotional divorce and a recent miscarriage she is depressed and feels alone and useless and that if she was so longer here that no one would bat an eyelid。 She's looking for an escape from her problems and so she becomes interested in a true crime podcast hosted by Rachel Bard。 Focusing on the disappearances of young women， Murder， She Spoke is about the only thing keeping Sera going。 But soon her enjoyment of the podcast becomes an obsession taking up vast amounts of her day。 It has become an unhealthy addiction。 When the podcast ceases abruptly with no announcement to listeners via social media Sera is concerned。 By tirelessly and meticulously piecing together snippets of personal information Rachel had shared throughout the podcast episodes， Sera has enough to know which direction she should head to search for her。 She believes something bad has happened to Rachel and sets out to find her utilising the investigation skills she had learned through her many， many hours of listening。 She arrives at the town of Happy Camp in Northern California， Rachel's hometown， where her parents still run a guest house on their remote ranch known as Fountain Creek Guest Ranch。 In order to introduce herself to Rachel's family she pretends to be looking for work and despite how hard ranch work can be she knows how to handle horses。 Addy and Emmett Bard offer her a job as head wrangler which gives Sera the perfect excuse to investigate without any suspicion。 She finds the ranch quite unnerving as it's way out in the back end of nowhere and she finds it weird that Rachel's parents don't seem to be concerned that she's vanished。 The ranch becomes ever more strange as Sera realises there are no guests， the horses look neglected and extremely disconcerting is the fact that there's no internet available either。 When she discovers Rachel wasn't the only woman to go missing from Fountain Creek she knows she's in danger too。 But despite her flight or fight response having activated telling her in no uncertain terms to run， she can't bring herself to leave without knowing what happened to Rachel。 This is a compulsive and enthralling read with ample twists and turns and a unique writing style; I admit it takes a little longer to become fully immersed and absorbed due to the unusual structure， but it soon becomes second nature。 I felt sorry for Sera as she is clearly very broken and desperate to escape her thoughts and her everyday life。 It's a disturbing， riveting and creepy page-turner that surprised me with quite a few superb twists。 Highly recommended。 。。。more
Positives: The story was quick paced and kept me reading。 I had to know what Sera was going to come across next and how it was all going to come together in the end。 It was an eery setting that was perfect for the story that it contained。 The people were all believable as the murderer。 I was creeped out pretty much the entire book。 Negatives: I couldn't fully wrap my mind around Sera going to the lengths she did to try to find Rachel。 She's constantly feeling like she should leave this place fil Positives: The story was quick paced and kept me reading。 I had to know what Sera was going to come across next and how it was all going to come together in the end。 It was an eery setting that was perfect for the story that it contained。 The people were all believable as the murderer。 I was creeped out pretty much the entire book。 Negatives: I couldn't fully wrap my mind around Sera going to the lengths she did to try to find Rachel。 She's constantly feeling like she should leave this place filled with frighteningly crazy people， and yet she stays and gets further entangled in their web。 I also didn't care for the style of addressing the entire novel to a person， like an extremely long letter。 It bothered me for some reason。 I completely understand why that format was chosen and used though。 In the end， I would give it a 3。5 and still recommend for people to read it because it was different from your typical murder mystery/missing person story。 。。。more
I’m not really sure how I feel about this book。 I was， at turns， intrigued， indifferent， engaged， and irritated。The writing holds us， or at least held me， at a distance。 It’s written in first person， from Sera’s perspective， but she writes as if she’s speaking directly to Rachel。 It’s like listening to someone’s one-sided dialogue with a phantom person。 （example: “I jump when your mother backs into the screen door with a box of food。”） Many readers will love this approach。 I didn’t， though it wo I’m not really sure how I feel about this book。 I was， at turns， intrigued， indifferent， engaged， and irritated。The writing holds us， or at least held me， at a distance。 It’s written in first person， from Sera’s perspective， but she writes as if she’s speaking directly to Rachel。 It’s like listening to someone’s one-sided dialogue with a phantom person。 （example: “I jump when your mother backs into the screen door with a box of food。”） Many readers will love this approach。 I didn’t， though it worked for the story， so again， I’m left wondering how I feel about it all。Sera’s character isn’t well developed。 We get to know her almost exclusively through her obsession with Rachel and Rachel’s podcast。 We never learn why she latched on to Rachel specifically， or why she opted to go to such extremes in pursuit of Rachel after her podcast abruptly ended。 We never learn why she can’t hold a job or function in society， despite being quite capable of chasing down a missing woman in an unfamiliar area full of intimidating and dangerous people。 All the characters are crazy， bordering， at times， on the ridiculous。 The remote town is like a secretive enclave of lunatics。 Consequently， it’s impossible to take the plot too seriously。 Still， there’s something oddly fascinating about this place。The ending let me down with its slide into absurdity。So， I don’t know。 Read this book if you like random craziness with an underlying theme in a weirdly intriguing story。*I received a digital copy from Berkley Publishing， via NetGalley。* 。。。more
✨HAPPY PUB DAY！✨Thank you @berkelypub and @elizajanebrazier for having me participate in the #IfIDisappear Blog Blitz！This book was WILD you guys and I loved every second of it！ Have you ever listened to a True Crime podcast and been like， oh I can totally solve that （🙋🏽♀️）？ This is that book - but in this story， our podcaster Rachel Bard goes missing and it’s up to Sera （an avid listener and fan） to find out what happened to her。She travels to a small town named Happy Camp in Northern Californ ✨HAPPY PUB DAY！✨Thank you @berkelypub and @elizajanebrazier for having me participate in the #IfIDisappear Blog Blitz！This book was WILD you guys and I loved every second of it！ Have you ever listened to a True Crime podcast and been like， oh I can totally solve that （🙋🏽♀️）？ This is that book - but in this story， our podcaster Rachel Bard goes missing and it’s up to Sera （an avid listener and fan） to find out what happened to her。She travels to a small town named Happy Camp in Northern California （it’s a real place！） and quickly finds out that everyone there is hiding something。 The people in town are skittish around her， she is warned several times to leave by unseen persons， and Rachel’s family doesn’t seem to bothered that their daughter is missing。 Additionally， she finds out that Rachel is not the only woman who has disappeared from this town - there’s a whole list of them！ She feels like she’s constantly being watched and she doesn’t know who to trust。 It was tense and creepy， and honestly at times I felt like I was the one slowly losing my mind！ I could not figure anyone out， and as someone who has read a lot of thrillers in her day， it was refreshing to me to not be able to solve this mystery right away。What makes this thriller different， however， is that it’s not about a woman who disappears。 Or trying to find out whodunnit， but the reasons that women want to make *themselves* disappear。 It’s about struggling with your place in the world and losing yourself。 It’s about misogyny and the men who make women shrink themselves in their presence。 It’s about women who are fed up and fight back。 “。。。he has no idea what it’s like to be a woman， there are really only two choices: You can be too much or you can disappear。”Whew！ I really enjoyed this one！ 。。。more
Thank you NetGalley and Berkeley for the advance copy。If I Disappear has such a good premises with a podcaster goes missing and her creepy， loyal fan decides to find her。 As a true crime podcast listener， I was beyond excited to read。。The best part of the book for me is the spine-chilling， untrusting atmosphere。 Unfortunately， that’s the only aspect I loved。 I am so， so disappointed。 If I Disappear just does not work for me。 It is painfully slow。 It did not hold my interest。 And the ending just Thank you NetGalley and Berkeley for the advance copy。If I Disappear has such a good premises with a podcaster goes missing and her creepy， loyal fan decides to find her。 As a true crime podcast listener， I was beyond excited to read。。The best part of the book for me is the spine-chilling， untrusting atmosphere。 Unfortunately， that’s the only aspect I loved。 I am so， so disappointed。 If I Disappear just does not work for me。 It is painfully slow。 It did not hold my interest。 And the ending just falls flat。 。。。more
A great tribute to all of us 30-something true crime fanatics whether we are Crime Junkies or Murderinos。 Sera goes looking for clues when her favorite podcast host disappears。 She uncovers a shady ranch and a strange family that is nothing like Rachel portrayed on her podcast。 Can Sera discover what happened to Rachel？ Are there other missing women？ Would anyone notice if she disappeared too？
DNF at 30%。 I was very drawn in to the premise of this book。 The host of a true crime podcast goes missing。 One of her biggest fans decides she needs to research and find out what happened to her。This is definitely a slow burn and atmospheric story。 It’s told in second person with Sera directing her story to Rachel - the missing podcast host。 I’m not sure exactly why but the execution didn’t work for me and I found when I put it down I wasn’t anxious to get back to the story。 Ultimately I decide DNF at 30%。 I was very drawn in to the premise of this book。 The host of a true crime podcast goes missing。 One of her biggest fans decides she needs to research and find out what happened to her。This is definitely a slow burn and atmospheric story。 It’s told in second person with Sera directing her story to Rachel - the missing podcast host。 I’m not sure exactly why but the execution didn’t work for me and I found when I put it down I wasn’t anxious to get back to the story。 Ultimately I decided I’m not the right reader for this one。 Thank you to Netgalley and Berkley for the advance reading copy。 。。。more
***Review taken from my blog meglovesreading。wordpress。com***3。5 stars rounded up to 4。Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley Publishing Group for sending me an eARC of this book for free in exchange for an honest review！In theory， If I Disappear has everything I want in a book: murder， plot twists， and themes of podcasting。 That being said， I had a lot of hope for this book， and while it wasn't necessarily bad， I don't think it was memorable either。First of all， I think Sera is a bit too obsessed w ***Review taken from my blog meglovesreading。wordpress。com***3。5 stars rounded up to 4。Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley Publishing Group for sending me an eARC of this book for free in exchange for an honest review！In theory， If I Disappear has everything I want in a book: murder， plot twists， and themes of podcasting。 That being said， I had a lot of hope for this book， and while it wasn't necessarily bad， I don't think it was memorable either。First of all， I think Sera is a bit too obsessed with Rachel and her podcast。 Don't get me wrong， I love podcasts， but Sera's love for Murder， She Spoke was her only personality trait （much like those people who seem to only watch The Office）。 I guess the whole point of her character was that she didn't really have a life， but I just kind of felt bad for her。The first 40% of the book was a bit slow， but once you get past that。 the pace starts to quicken。 I read the second half in one sitting because the mystery became more enthralling。 I liked that you didn't really know who to trust。 From the beginning， it was obvious that you couldn't trust Addy， but some of the other characters were hard to read and Sera herself even admits she doesn't know who to trust。The ending before the epilogue was reasonable。 It made sense to me。 I wasn't thrilled with it per say， but it wasn't a bad ending。 Then you get to the epilogue and the killer is revealed to be someone else！ It's obvious the author was trying to go for shock value rather than a solid ending because it kind of comes out of nowhere。 At first， I absolutely hated this ending， but as Sera begins to think about it in her head there is one clue she realizes meant something else and I had actually guessed the correct meaning when this clue first appeared so that made the ending more believable for me。 I'm still trying to decide if I actually liked it or not， but it's definitely something that I'm going to think about for a few days and then move on！ If you're not sure whether or not you'd like this book， I'd say read it。 You'd definitely be in for a surprise。 。。。more
Thank you to NetGalley and Berkeley Publishing for an opportunity to read If I Disappear。Book Rating : ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ Cover rating : 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 Genre: Mystery/ Thriller Release Date : January 26， 2021 “We’re so happy you’re here “When her favourite true crime podcast host disappears， Sera decides to go investigating。。。What I liked about this book :✔️ the last 20-25% of the book。 To be honest， I really wasn’t enjoying this book much until then， and all of a sudden it got really interesting - and that endi Thank you to NetGalley and Berkeley Publishing for an opportunity to read If I Disappear。Book Rating : ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ Cover rating : 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 Genre: Mystery/ Thriller Release Date : January 26， 2021 “We’re so happy you’re here “When her favourite true crime podcast host disappears， Sera decides to go investigating。。。What I liked about this book :✔️ the last 20-25% of the book。 To be honest， I really wasn’t enjoying this book much until then， and all of a sudden it got really interesting - and that ending ！What I didn’t like about this book:✖️ the first person “ let me tell you everything that happened “ narrative just doesn’t work well for me in any genre/ book， and it really didn’t work well for me either。 I do think it’s a total style/ preference thing， because the book is quite well written。 。。。more
Reference
google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=If I Disappear
hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=If I Disappear&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft
The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,If I Disappear&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0